FAIL.

Okay, so I know I whine about nursing school a lot. I really do. I am grateful of being in the program (I better be, I nearly killed myself trying to get in on my second try), but sometimes it's hard to show it when it is SUCKING soooo bad right now.

I studied all weekend, non-stop for the test I had on Monday. Word on the block was that this one was suppose to be easier...but I still studied like there is no tomorrow because Pathophysiology is an evil, evil class! I got my grade last night. I failed. Again. I do not do bad in school...I work too hard and I make it happen somehow every time. I've never even got a C in a course in my entire academic career. But so far this semester, I've gotten a B and 2 Ds in this god awful class.

Right now, I have a 70.8% average on my Pathophysiology tests. You need a minimum of 71% on the tests/quizzes combined. And of course, if my other course work doesn't meet that average as well, I am failed from the class and kicked out of the program.

Last night, my friend Sharon was over to work on our group presentation and we saw our grades posted together. She's doing better than me, but we're still in the same boat of being terrified of getting kicked out. We calculated that I need a minimum of a 52/70 on the next test and a 5/7 on the next quiz to pass the class with a minimum of 71.6%. Wow. That means I can only miss 9 questions to pass. I know that sounds do-able, but you have NO IDEA how tricky they made these tests. It's like they're trying as hard as possible to set us up for failure. I missed 11 questions on this last one 12 on the one before that, and 6 on the one at the beginning of the semester. Props to everyone who passed or is passing this class with flying colors. You amaze me!

This is REAL life right now. It's crazy how one little test in one little class can determine so much of my future. If I fail, I have to wait a year and I get ONE more chance to take and pass the class. If I fail, I'm done with all nursing programs in the Cal State system. They don't allow you to fail two classes. No matter if it is in the same semester or not. You only get ONE mess up.

As horrible as it sounds, it's nice that I have about 1/3 of the class right there with me. I'm not positive, because it's just an estimation based on the comments I've heard, but either way, at least I know I'm not the only one.

I'm still in amazement by how some of these questions are truly chosen to pick to see if we are eligible for the next semester. I don't get it. I know I rock my clinical rotations. I work so hard to make sure I learn more and more every day and put myself out there to gain practice in more skills and patient interactions each day. And it pays off. I've had great experiences with all my patients. And I am loving what I do. It's scary to think that this could all be taken away from me in one month because I am not as good at test taking as I am smart. And I am most DEFINITELY not a good guesser!

No matter how much I try to fight it, I am going to have a pit in my stomach and secret anxiety jitters for the next month. I am going to live by my Patho books. It is going to kill me, and maybe even bring down my grades in other classes, but I just have to pass. Thankfully, I have a handful of friends in my cohort who have offered to help me and work with me so we can get through it together. Doing this alone would suck. This is seriously going to take all the energy I have left in me.

I'll be in my room, alone, studying for the next month. Please excuse me from being antisocial until summer when the decision has been made. :/

A little positivity before I ruin myself with all this negative rambling. This awful, horrible thing called nursing school, is just a friendly reminder that the rewards will be equally as good. 2 more years to go until I can begin rebalancing: